1...2....3 Nice day!

The Dog that takes you into the Bar

Two men are walking their dogs (a doberman and a chihuahua) when they say to each other "I'm thirsty." They see a nearby bar and walk up to it.

Unfortunately, there was a sign on the door that said NO DOGS. They thought for awhile to try to figure out what they should do with no luck. Suddenly, the man with the doberman said, "I have an idea! Do what I do."

The man put on his sunglasses, walked up to the door and tried to get in but a big muscular man stopped him. "Where do you think you're going?" asked the big man. "This is my seeing-eye dog." said the man hoping for good feedback. "Alrighty mister, go right in." said the big man. The doberman man walked in.

The second man slipped his sunglasses on and did the same as the first man. "Where are you going?" asked the big man. "I'm going into the bar, this is my seeing-eye dog." he said. "A chihuahua?" asked the big man with suspicion. The other man, playing his part yelled, "They gave me a chihuahua!?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Christian Bear

There was a man who one day didnt feel like going to church so he decided to go hunting instead.

He was out in the bush when he was aproched from behind by a bear. He dropped his gun by accident but didnt bother to pick it up.

He ran for his life. Weaving in and out the trees with the bear on his trail. Curving around a tree he triped over its root.

He looked up and the bear looked down. The bear was about to strike at him. He put his hands together and prayed:

"Dear lord, Please let this bear be a christian."

the bear sat down on its bum and held the mans hands, closed his eyes and said: "Dear lord, Thankyou for the food that i am about to recieve"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Medical Problem

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I do that all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I did it no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm doing it just as much, but now it smells terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cinderella Would Be Shocked

Sure, there are some pretty stupid criminals out there. Yet this excerpt from a Washington Post article proves that not all criminals are dumb – in fact, some are so clever that the Post labeled this article, "The Best Comeback Line Ever"

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday.

Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, Picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need. "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's... just working away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Darn...is it midnight already?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Wild Old Man

An old man shopping at a department store for a gift for his wife was intent on watching a teenage girl who was going through the sale racks. The teenage girl had a Mohawk dyed in various colors: pink, purple, green, and yellow. The old man kept staring at her.

Irritated by his staring the teenage girl finally broke down and sneered, "What's the matter, old dude? I bet you haven't tried anything wild in your whole life, have you?"

The old man did not miss a beat when he replied, "I was drunk one time and was with a Macaw. I was just curious if you were related!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Smart Blonde

A blonde woman boards an airplane. She is extremely exhausted and just wants to take a nap. She finally finds her seat and sits down next to a very curious young man.

He wants to test the whole dub blonde thing and possibly make some money out of it. "Hey, wanna play a game?" he asks her. "No thank you, i just want to take a nap." "Please, its really easy, all you have to do is answer the questions that i ask you. If you don't know the answer, then you give me five dollars, and if I don't know the answer to your question, then Ill give you five dollars."

"I really don't want to do this. I just want to take a nap."

"Oh but PLEASE pretty please. Okay, how about if I don't know the answer to your question, I'll give you five hundred dollars." The blonde woman became interested and decided to play the game.

"Okay. How many moons does jupiter have?" the young man asked. The woman reached into her purse and took out a five dollar bill. "What goes up the mountain with three legs and comes back down with four?".

The young man, determined not to lose, gets out his laptop and searches all over the internet for an answered. Flustered and confused, the young man hand the blonde five hundred dollars.

After a few hours, the young man was itching to know the answer to the question."What was the answer to the riddle?" the blonde woman reached into her purse and handed the young man a five dollar bill.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My Boyfriend is Stuck

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.

He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.

At 60 off came the pants.

At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He sveered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but he was stuck.

"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.

"You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.

Along came a truck driver.

Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.

"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies: "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Run

I was teaching a very basic class in BASIC programming to a group of adults. Adults who have never been around computers before are very nervous and much harder to teach than children, however I am a patient person so I enjoy their successes.

However, I must share the following:

After putting a short program on the board, I told the students to type "R," "U," "N" and press return to see the program execute.

A hand went up in the back of the room, waving to get my attention, and the person attached to the hand said, "I did what you said and it didn't work." Knowing full-well that all of us make mistakes when typing at the computer, I suggested she retype "R," "U," "N" and press return. A few seconds later, the lady's hand goes up again. "It still doesn't work," she said.

So... I went back to see what the problem was ... only to find that instead of typing RUN, she had typed in the following: ARE YOU IN
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Technical Support

I worked in technical support at Silicon Graphics about a year ago, and I was part of the group that was first in line to handle problem calls. Oh, joy. Being only eighteen at the time, my experience in the field of technical support was somewhat limited, but I could still handle my own.

Now, as you may or may not know, SGI sells top of the line computers used in many different industries. On average, they're about three times as expensive as personal PCs and are meant to be used by professionals in the industries they're used in.

Anyway, the following call came in:

• Customer: "I just received an Onyx yesterday, and I tried to set it up today and it doesn't work."
• Tech Support: "It just doesn't boot up?"

• Customer: "It doesn't even turn on. I see nothing on the screen, and the fan doesn't even turn on in the back of the system."
• Tech Support: "Is the monitor functioning? Is there a little green light in the lower right corner of the monitor?"
• Customer: "Yes, there is."
• Tech Support: "Ok, is the computer plugged in?"
• Customer: (irritated) "Look, I think I know how to set up a system. I'm a college graduate, you know."

• Tech Support: "Ok, let me finish typing up this report, and I'll send it off. You will get a reply within one business day."
• Customer: (exasperated) "Thank you. Geez, I mean I paid a huge amount of money for this computer. The least you people can do it make sure it works before sending it to me!"

• Customer: "I mean, to add to the poor quality control, you even sent me one extra power cord."
• Tech Support: "One extra cord?"
• Customer: "Yes, it looks just the one I used to plug in the monitor and computer, but that's all you sent to me. I have no use for this other one."

At this point, I thought I should inquire a little more...but use a bit of tact to do so.

• Tech Support: "Sir, can you double check the serial number on the back of your computer?"
• Customer: "On the back of the computer?"
• Tech Support: "Yes, sir."
• Customer: (sigh) "All right, all right, hold on..."

I heard a few muffled grunts as he crawled over his desk to see the back of the computer. He repeated the serial number from the sticker. I didn't bother to verify it.

• Tech Support: "Thank you, sir. Oh, by the way, can you check to see if the computer is plugged in?"

Dead silence. I could just picture the man's face when he realized that the computer was never plugged in in the first place and that the "extra" power cord he was holding in his hand was for the computer. I didn't wait for a response from him. I thanked him for calling, hung up, and closed the case.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The College Rules

There is a teacher speaking in front of a group of boy college freshmen about the college rules. The teacher starts talking about the dorm rooms. "If you get caught in a girls dorm room after nine o'clock, you will get a fifty dollar fine. If you get caught twice, you get a hundred dollar fine. If you get caught three times, you get a two hundred-fifty dollar fine and suspension for a week at the least." So a boy raises his hand and asks, "How much for a yearly pass?"

A wealthy Chicago businessman goes to Vegas and loses all but three dollars. He comes out of the casino and waves a taxi over. How much is a ride to the airport?" The driver replies that it is $5. "Come on I only have $3, but I'll pay you $10 when I get home by mailing you a check."" said the man. "No way" replies the Driver and throws him out of the car.

Source: Internet

A Friend ...

Accepts you as you are.

Believes in you.

Calls you just to say "hi."

Doesn't give up on you.

Envisions the whole of you (even the unfinished parts).

Forgives your mistakes.

Gives unconditionally.

Helps you.

Invites you over.

Just likes being with you.

Keeps you close at heart.

Loves you for who you are.

Makes a difference in your life.

Never judges you.

Offers support.

Picks you up.

Quiets your fears.

Raises your spirits.

Says nice things about you.

Tells you the truth when you need to hear it.

Understands you.

Values you.

Walks beside you.

X-plains things you don't understand.

Yells when you won't listen.

Zaps you back to reality.

(Author Unknown)

The first Semi-tractor trailer advertises what appears to be a Beer Bottle which seems to "Stand Out" of the side of the truck with the German slogan "Schmeckt hervorragend" which translates into English as "Tastes Outstandingly Good!" Actually it's bottle of Bionade, "a non-alcoholic refreshment drink for wellness and fitness."

The next Semi-tractor trailer looks like a book shelf and has the German words "Weiterkommen im Marketing!" as a Postit note on the books which translates into English as "Go far in Marketing!"

If you wish to put all the books from the above shelf into a Tote Bag, you'll need one like this:

The next Semi-tractor trailer is carry Pepsi Cases floating on the ceiling. I can't read the Pepsi sign, but it's probably Pepsi Light, don't you think?

This next Semi-tractor trailer must look rather weird when it's backed into the loading dock! Plus think of the drunk in the passenger seat of a following car who suddenly wakes up! The German question "Auf dem falschen Weg?" literally translates "On the wrong Way?" on the backing up truck.

Looks like this Semi-tractor trailer caught on fire and left only a remnant of a charred label of Pringle's Hot & Spicy chips as a clue to the cause.

And finally a peaceful rolling Aquarium to relax you as you cruise the Autobahn at 240 kph.

~~~> Source: doyletics's Blog!

Source: Metacafe

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me.

My girlfriend?
She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me.

That one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.

She was alone when I arrived.

She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and could not say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead
with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock
as I watched her go up the stairs.

When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front
door.

I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight
toward my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes, he
hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little
test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to
the family!"

The moral of this story is.....

Always keep your condoms in your car. :D

On the main screen type in:

*#06# for checking the IMEI (International Mobile Equipment Identity).
*#7780# reset to factory settings.
*#67705646# This will clear the LCD display(operator logo).
*#0000# To view software version.
*#2820# Bluetooth device address.
*#746025625# Sim clock allowed status.
#pw+1234567890+1# Shows if sim have restrictions.
*#92702689# - takes you to a secret menu where you may find some of the information below:
1. Displays Serial Number.
2. Displays the Month and Year of Manufacture
3. Displays (if there) the date where the phone was purchased (MMYY)
4. Displays the date of the last repair - if found (0000)
5. Shows life timer of phone (time passes since last start)

3370# - Enhanced Full Rate Codec (EFR) activation. Increase signal strength, better signal reception. It also help if u want to use GPRS and the service is not responding or too slow. Phone battery will drain faster though.
*#3370* - (EFR) deactivation. Phone will automatically restart. Increase battery life by 30% because phone receives less signal from network.
*#4720# - Half Rate Codec activation.
*#4720* - Half Rate Codec deactivation. The phone will automatically restart
If you forgot wallet code for Nokia S60 phone, use this code reset: *#7370925538#
Note, your data in the wallet will be erased. Phone will ask you the lock code. Default lock code is: 12345
Press *#3925538# to delete the contents and code of wallet.
Unlock service provider: Insert sim, turn phone on and press vol up(arrow keys) for 3 seconds, should say pin code. Press C,then press * message should flash, press * again and 04*pin*pin*pin# \
*#7328748263373738# resets security code.
Default security code is 12345

Change closed caller group (settings >security settings>user groups) to 00000 and ure phone will sound the message tone when you are near a radar speed trap. Setting it to 500 will cause your phone 2 set off security alarms at shop exits, gr8 for practical jokes! (works with some of the Nokia phones.) Press and hold "0" on the main screen to open wap browser

This is a repost and a slight modification from my old website. I thought it would be useful to post again:

Years ago I made it my desire to be successful in life and be able to give back to the world. I was raised on the principle that you should leave the world a better place than when you came.

I have searched high and low, read books, magazines, websites, listened to podcasts, and watched videos seeking guidance in my goals to be, in the words of Borat, a “great success.”

Although the idea of success is different to every person – whether it be money, fame, or something as simplistic as to have a good family life. I have learned that the rules and advice to reach your idea of success are the same everywhere for everyone.

Below is a list of the most common advice that I have collected from those who have made it. Note that in order to make the list, the advice, or some variation, had to of shown up more than once and from more than one person.

So here it is, what one should do in order to become successful.

Convince Your Brain That You Are Already Successful (Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill, Problogger.net)

I truly believe that the human mind is far more powerful than anything in the world. This is why navy seals can hold their breath for so long and why people can learn to ignore pain. With the proper training, you can train your mind to do about anything.

Convincing your brain that you have already achieved a goal makes you that much closer to it. I have learned that goals are much more difficult to achieve when they are placed up on a pedestal. Believing that you have attained them already keeps them on your level and makes them easier to achieve.

“In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.” -Bill Cosby

Learn To Go With Your Gut Instinct (Anyone who has ever founded a startup)

I remember a high school teacher of mine telling me to always go with my first instinct on a test. Well the same rule applies in life and in business. Always do what feels right at the time. Although you probably won’t be right every time, you will be when it really counts.

“When in doubt, don’t.” -Benjamin Franklin

Life Is All About Relationships So Don’t Burn Bridges (Tina Seelig, Stanford Professor)

“The most important single ingredient in the formula of success is knowing how to get along with people.” -Theodore Roosevelt

You will run into the same people over and over again in life so you need to make good relationships now.

You are not going to like everyone and everyone is not going to like you, no matter how nice of a person you are or how much you donate to charity. Just take a look at Bill Gates. He and his wife probably donate more to charity than anyone, yet he still had a group of people who hate him.

“Don’t be so petty. Sometimes you have to do business with people you don’t like. It doesn’t mean you have to be like them or like them.” -Donald Trump

Learn to treat all people with respect, no matter what.

“When angry count to ten before you speak. If very angry, count to one hundred.” -Thomas Jefferson

Learn Everything You Can On Sales And Marketing

“Anything that won’t sell, I don’t want to invent. Its sale is proof of utility, and utility is success… The value of an idea lies in the using of it.” -Thomas A. Edison

No matter how cool the newest technology is, it is useless unless it provides value.

Would you use the slick looking iPod if it was difficult to use? What if it didn’t even play music? Would you use Google if you got back a “No results found” message every time?

Create things with value to the user in mind before anything else. Then learn to convey your message.

Many Ideas Come Out Of Something That Already Exists

Barbara Carey has used this concept to bring over 100 products to market and acquire more than a dozen patents.

“There’s a way to do it better – find it.” -Thomas A. Edison

Be Persistent (Napoleon Hill, Barbara Carey)

“I never did anything by accident, nor did any of my inventions come by accident; they came by work… Restlessness and discontent are the first necessities of progress.” -Thomas A. Edison

Successful people do not get that way accidentally nor do they usually achieve great success on the first try.

“All you need is ignorance and confidence and the success is sure.” -Mark Twain

Make Mistakes Then Learn From Them

“Show me a thoroughly satisfied man and I will show you a failure.” -Thomas A. Edison

If the answer is no, find out why. If you get the wrong answer, learn the right one.

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” -Winston Churchill

Know Your Weaknesses And Surround Yourself With Positive People That Can Do What You Cannot

This is similar to the “self-fulfilling prophecy” and why many people who are told that they will never amount to anything often don’t. If somebody tells you enough times that you are a mongoose, after awhile you will probably start believing them. Surround yourself with encouraging people that believe in you and you will believe in yourself.

If you are passionate about your idea, it is likely that others will be also and they will want to help you. Call on those people when you need them.

Learn To Say No

Saying no to someone is better than saying yes and not being able to give 100%. I used to think that I could and should do everything I had an opportunity to do, but have since learned that it is not possible.

“You can do it all, just not all at the same time.” -Tina Seelig

Try New Things And Keep What Works

“When I have fully decided that a result is worth getting I go ahead of it and make trial after trial until it comes.” -Thomas A. Edison

Ideas are like baseball, your going to strike-out more than you hit out of the park and your probably going to bat under .500.

“Results! Why, man, I have gotten a lot of results. I know several thousand things that won’t work.” -Thomas A. Edison

When You Are Ready To Quit, You Are Closer Than You Think (Bob Parsons, Founder of GoDaddy)

“Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.” -Thomas A. Edison

Many things that have failed could of succeeded with a little more effort.

“Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.” -Thomas A. Edison

Learn When To Call It Quits (Om Malik)

In contrast you don’t want to beat your head on to a wall repeatedly and expect different results.

As I said above, try lots of things and keep what works. If nothing works and your most creative part of your brain is exhausted. Maybe you should pull the plug. After all, the most important decision that we make everyday is what we spend our time on.

Never Miss An Opportunity

You never get a second chance to make a first impression. Always give 100%.

“Whenever you do a thing, act as if all the world were watching.” -Thomas Jefferson

Above is the advice that I have collected on my road to success, I hope it helps others as it has helped me

- Just for today I will be happy -

Just for today, I will believe I'm special, an important person. I will love me as what I am

Just for Today: I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle my whole life problem at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

Just for Today: I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful.

I will read something that requires effort, thought, and concentration.

Just for Today: I will exercise my soul in three ways:

I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out; if anybody knows of it, it will not count.

I will do at least two things I don't want to do, just for exercise.

I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.

Just for Today: I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, talk low, act courteously, criticize not one bit, not find fault with anything, and not try to improve or regulate anybody except myself.

Just for today I will take care of my body.
I will exercise it, care for it, nourish it, not abuse it nor neglect it, so
that it will be a perfect machine for my bidding.

Just for Today: I will have a program. I will try to follow it to the best of my ability. I will save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.

Just for Today: I will have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax. During this half hour, some time, I will try to get a better perspective of my life.

Just for Today: I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that I give to the world, so the world will give to me.

Just for today, I will smile no matter how much I hurt on the inside, for maybe if I smile a little, my heart will soften and I will begin to heal.

Just for today, when my heart feels like breaking, I will stop and remember that grief is the price we pay for loving, and the only reason I hurt is because I had the privilege of loving so much.

Just for today, I will not compare myself with others. I am fortunate to be who I am

Just for today, I will invest my most valuable resource: my time, in the most transcendental work: my life; I will spend each minute passionately to make of today a different and unique day in my life.

Just for today, I will defy every obstacle that appears on my way trusting I will succeed. I understand that, difficulties are a part of the life and are born to be conquered

Just for today, I will find ways to help share the burden of another person. I will do something nice for someone, but I will do it secretly. I will reach out anonymously and bless the life of another.

Just for today, I will raise the spirits of someone who is discouraged
My smile, my words, my expression of support, can make the difference to someone who is wrestling with life.

Especially, just for today, I will allow myself to be happy, to enjoy what is beautiful, to love, and to believe that those I love, love me. I will do things that make me happy : watch a funny movie, do somethings kind, send a ecard, listen to a favorite song...

Have a good day and

a better one tomorrow!

Source: Internet.